Thursday, September 29, 2016

Trump Abandons U.S. Presidential Run, Accepts Dictatorship of Cuba

In a surprise move Thursday evening, Donald J. Trump announced that he was abandoning his campaign for President of the United States in order to accept the Dictatorship of Cuba.

"Why not? In, the U.S., I would have to build up to becoming a totalitarian leader. All of the changes in the laws, the Constitution, Separation of Powers. Too much reading, concentration. Too much work!"

"Here, the dictatorship is ready-made. I've talked with Fidel. It's like with Vladimir, we understand each other. Law and order, put those people who don't see things our way politically where they belong."

"Here, there's no need for 'debates' or 'freedom of speech'" said Trump, making air quotes as he said each of the phrases. It's just up to the Palace, through the doors, into the Throne--not so classy, we'll have to work on that--and bing bang boom, you're in."

"And the hotels and casinos. There's nothing here! I can have a Trump Plaza, a Trump International, and Trump Village on every street! Everywhere you look--nothing but Trump, Trump, Trump!"

When asked how he thought his U.S. supporters would react to such news, Trump stated that "the 'low education' voters will probably be upset, but they'll get over it. Not big thinkers, that crew. And, look, we'll give them vouchers to come here, they can gamble, see a show. It will be just like Atlantic City--huge, a huge, huge, success."

"I already know they key words in Spanish to lead--Dinero and Adios!" said Trump, "and we'll bring Oreos and Carrier here--it's hot!"

"So say "adios" to President Trump and get ready to bring your dinero to "El Dictador!" said Trump as he climbed into an armored limousine. "And we'll have to bring Ford here, A.S.A.P. The cars here are horrible. Disgusting!" finished Trump, wiping his hands on his pants as he drove off, surrounded by a fleet of armed military bodyguards, into the Havana night.