Thursday, September 08, 2016

BREAKING: Trump Announces That He Will Name Vladimir Putin as U.S. Secretary of Defense

In a surprise announcement this evening, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald J. Trump announced that he will offer Russian President Vladimir Putin the cabinet office of Secretary of Defense should Trump win the Presidency.

“Why not?” asked Trump at a rally in Akron, Ohio. “We share the same values–he thinks that I am brilliant–and we share the same attitude towards the press. Disgusting, horrible. (wipes hands on pants).

“The most important thing is that America is strong. I believe that Vladimir is also strong. What is so wrong about putting those two strengths together, on behalf of both of our shared interests?”

When asked about Ukraine, and prior incursions into Georgia, Trump was dismissive. “Russia is not in the Ukraine, and I am sure that we can work out a fair deal to keep them out. Just like Carrier and Nabisco, Russia wants to sell its air conditioners, its Oreos, or whatever they call them there. It’s business, like any deal, and I’m sure that we can keep Russia from ever entering Ukraine."

"As for Georgia, why would Vladimir want to invade a Republican state that is thousands of miles away from his nation? Jeff Sessions is a good friend of mine, a strong, strong supporter, and I’m sure that he could keep Russia from entering Georgia, Mississippi, or any of our Southern states."

When asked about Putin’s long history as a trained KGB operative, Russia’s military support on the side of the Syrian government headed by president Bashar al-Assad, further plans to invade neighboring nations, Russian warplanes buzzing U.S. destroyers in the Baltic Sea. Crimea and Eastern Ukraine, the escalating movement of the Russian military near long-term and critical United States allies, and the distinct possibility that Putin is using his long history as a KGB operative to manipulate Trump’s grandiose vulnerabilities, Trump replied:

“I know more than the Russian Generals, and have traveled across many oceans in Atlantic City. Believe me, dealing with casino owners is 10 times, one hundred times more difficult than dealing with some Russian generals, and I have a secret plan to deal with Assad, just you wait. "

"Vladimir and I understand each I other. He has assured me that he will be able to easily split his duties between Russian President and U.S. Secretary of Defense."

"I’ve looked into his eyes–he respects me. And that’s what really matters."