The Impulsively Unreflective Duo In:
Crisis on Wall Street!
John McCain is leaning back in a chair in his office in the Fortress of Irritability. An aide is carrying in a map of Spain when the Macphone rings.
McCain (answering): Fire Cox! Send him to Yugoslavia! Hello?
Hank Paulson (on other end of line): John, it's Hank. We are here in the Capitol. Every financial expert is assembled here, John. We have consulted every master, conferred with the widest and most informed authorities, asked every adept. We need you, John, you, with your mastery of financial expertise, to arrive at the door of our ineptitude and help us find an answer.
John, you must...suspend the campaign.
McCain: Suspend the campaign? But...the people need my expert advice here, Hank. (Aide is unfolding the map on a table, circling Spain in red, and writing in large bold letters "Not Czechoslovakia"). They need me here. Where my acts can matter most. In...In...(pauses)
Aide: The Fortress, Sir.
McCain: The Fortress, Hank. I can't just sit up and say "I suspend my campaign." That would look to anyone like the most clear act of political pandering, why, it's just...just...
The "I" on his chest lights up and begins to blink.
McCain: I'll do it!
Hank: That's wonderful, John. We'll see you...
McCain: (Standing up, cape waving behind him) In a moment!
Aide: (to McCain): But who will man the fortress?
McCain walks to secret bookshelf. Removes book entitled "Courage". The bookshelf magically spins, revealing a grey vault. McCain turns the combination lock.
McCain: 21...72...23...skidoo...Drat! (starting again) 21...90...I'm sure that I disagreed with President Bush a lot of the time, Senator Obama! (pauses).
Aide: Let me help you with that, Sir. (quickly turns the lock left, right and left. The door of the vault slowly opens, with the sound of a vacuum seal.)
This reveals a large auditorium, filled with advisers, cameras, and teleprompters. Over loudspeakers, a voice is filling the hall with sound: "The capital of Iraq is...Baghdad. Bagh...dad. The capital of Iran is..."
On the stage is Sarah Palin. She is holding a college text entitled "World Geography."
Palin: Ooooh. I know this one.
An adviser is standing to her right.
Adviser: Take your time, Sarah. Remember--think before you talk.
Palin: I know, I know. Can't I just say "A place that is deserving of our freedoms"?
Adviser: We've been over this before, Sarah. Remember--"Specific is terrific!"
Palin: Specific is terrific. Specific is terrific.
She shuffles her index cards and the loudspeakers intone..."The capital of Iran is...Tehran. Teh...ran."
Palin: Oooooh. They sound so much the same! Iran, Tehran. That's why I can't remember!
As McCain, hands on hips, cape waving, enters the auditorium.
McCain: Sarah.
Palin: Mr. McCain!
Both of their "I"s blink briefly.
McCain: Sarah, I want you to watch the Fortress until I return. I have a very important mission. About Wall Street.
Palin (to adviser): But I thought Mr. Reagan told Mr. Gorbachev to 'tear down that wall!'
Adviser slowly shakes head.
Palin: But...can't I come on this mission, Mr. McCain? Please? I just know I could help!
McCain: Well, I think that a largely unprepared economic novice, struggling to comprehend concepts that are confounding the most experienced and educated authorities in the area...
Both McCain's and Palin's "I"s blink brightly.
McCain: ...Is just what this market needs! Let's go, Sarah! To the rescue!
Sarah: To the rescue, Mr. McCain!
NEXT EPISODE: The Evil Katie-Woman endangers Palin with a hypnotic confusion device...Questions! Can Sarah resist their terrible power?
Coming this week! On...
The Impulsively Unreflective Duo!
Novak's mission was created in his early crusading efforts to reform pedestrian behavior, using the clear, honest, visionary prose for which he has long been known. In 2001, he reportedly cursed at a jaywalker only blocks from the White House, on the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and 13th Streets, intoning the command heard round the world, "Learn to read the signs, [bodily orifice]!" Stating further in an interview that "I really hate jaywalkers...I despise them...the only other option is to run them over...", Democratic operatives unfairly concluded that Novak's compassionate calling to urban reform in fact represented a mission to splay.
That's where Bono came in. Carrying the dual monikers of a sixties counterculture radical and a 21st century shades-wearing, debt-relieving, globe-trotting liberal firebrand, the bicyclist "witness" came to notice when, cruising lightly, almost as if windsurfing, he wheeled up on his no-doubt-French-made cycle to the window of Novak's Corvette (built entirely in the U.S.A.) and "hit the window with (his) fist." Bono claimed that he stated to Novak that "you can't just hit a pedestrian and drive away." He then placed his bicycle in front of Novak's car, apparently assuming that he had the force and authority to block Novak's further egress.Bono is not a representative of District of Columbia Traffic Agency. However, his wife, Shaunee Moon (Littletree) Bono is an agency operative on liberalization of jaywalking policy. Two senior Traffic Agency officials told me that Bono's wife suggested sending him to 18th and K to intercept Novak's Corvette. The Agency states that its counterjaywalking officials chose Bono and asked Moon (Littletree) Bono to contact him. "I will not discuss any matters regarding my wife", said Bono, when I interviewed him, "Particularly when I am splayed across the hood of your car."
During the run-up to the 18th and K intercept (near the offices where he served), Bono had made oral reports to friends that "accidents are not that likely", and that "you are more likely to be injured slipping in the shower than crossing the street; after all, in the street, there are traffic signals." Notably, Bono's oral statements did not include mention of the possibility of pedestrians voluntarily launching themselves onto moving automobiles. The report of the Agency's interview with Bono remains classified.
After Novak stated that "He's not dead, that's the main thing," Bono declined any further interviews. "The story was never me," said Bono, "it was always the guy who drove directly into a 66-year old man crossing at a walk signal, who flew across his windshield, and then driving away, until repeatedly stopped by witnesses." The story, actually, is whether a covert jaywalking inducement policy, launched by an Agency operative, and executed by the spouse of that operative, should remain covert. I, for one, say no--in the Agency's, the streets' and the public interest.
