Trump Extreme Ideological Test:
National Airport, March, 2017:
Foreigner arrives. Trump Ideological Examiner (TIE, with a merchandising tie-in to Trump Ties, made in Bangladesh) looks at paper, speaks:
TIE: Okay. Okay. Stand on one foot.
FOREIGNER: Foooot? You say…
T: (More harshly, forcefully) Stand on one foot!
F:: Which…foooot? (points to legs).
T: (looking at paper). Hmmm. Paper doesn’t say…umm…Left foot! (smiles. Says to self:). Must be right.
F stands on left foot, shakily.
T: (Looking at paper) Now, close left eye and listen carefully:
“John and Mary are both visiting a casino. Each one plays five games of Baccarat…”
F: (confused, wobbling): Bac..a…rot?
T: (reading quickly, irritably) Baccarat, then they lay down, because, believe me, that’s always good, then they get up, go back to the casino, play slots, eat a delicious Trump steak, then salute, and sing the Star Spangled Banner. Which one finishes first?
F: You…have steak?
T: Wrong! The man! The man! The man always finshes first! (Shakes head in frustration).
Foreigner lookes confusedly ashamed.
T: Two! Which of our U.S. Presidents was not born in the United States?
T: (narrows eyes, speaking with suspicion): Come on…you know this…which one…
F: Washington city?
T: Wrong! (Checks box on paper). One more.
From behind industrial grey curtain, T removes three cardboard figures. He places them on the Security podium, and then awkwardly shuffles their order, as if in a shell game. They are: A Judge, clad in robes, with the word “bankruptcy!” in a bubble emerging from his mouth; A picture of the New York Times building; and a photograph of the stage at the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner.
T: Which of these is worse? Worse, do you understand?
F (imploringly, confused): Worse…bad? Not good?
T: Yes, not good! Bad! Point to it! (T points to immigrants right index finger then to displays)
F: (slowly, clearly confused. Points to Times). This?
T: No! All bad! All bad. (refers to paper, reads statement quickly, pro forma): According to the Trump Ideological Examination, which many people have said is the best, most important test ever in the nation, the world, you have failed the test for ideological smartness, and therefore cannot be permitted to enter the country. Go back home to your mother! You’re expelled!