Sunday, September 25, 2016

THIS WEEK: Trump and Conway on Slavery

Washington, DC

Stephanopoulos: So, if I understand you, Ms. Conway, Trump is saying that slavery wasn't so bad.

Conway: Look at the facts, George. Plantations had many of the features you can find at homes across the nation, even Mr. Trump's Mar-a-lago. Large fields made for daily exercise.  Guest houses with rustic primitive features valued by many of today's finest artists. Shackles to prevent them from straying into dangerous, harmful areas. This was protection, George. Some would call it rejuvenating, with many of the simple, pastoral amenities of a Jackson Hole.

S: You aren't seriously saying that Trump compares slavery to a luxury spa?

C: Mr. Trump is an expert on luxury spas, George, & has established them across the world. Singapore. Saudi Arabia. Congo. The Sudan. Why, I understand that he is in talks now with Joseph Kony to create a new resort for Mr. Kony's troops & his guests. Why shouldn't everyone be able to have the same treatment?

S: The problem is that Mr. Trump is saying that African-Americans had better conditions when they were slaves--without freedom. What does that say about how he would treat African Americans if he was elected?

C: Freedom is overrated, George. Mr. Trump was just speaking with Mr. Putin. They both agreed that what matters is safety & strength, & someone to provide it. In fact, they're talking about creating those conditions together, to protect all Americans from the dangers of such freedom. We really don't think enough about that, George.

Mr. Trump knows that if they respect & praise him, he can treat them well in return. And isn't that what all people, all Americans really want?

S: Americans want freedom, KellyAnne. America is based upon the promise of that freedom.

C: Mr. Trump promises them so much more--borders that have walls; streets that are patrolled from dawn 'til dusk to keep them free from disruption. Sometimes, George, it takes a chain to set people free.

S (pauses): We'll be right back.

SECRET: Trump Debate Prep Plans 1


1) Always be sure to bring the briefing books on the plane so they believe that you aren’t preparing;

2) Kellyanne has reduced the foreign & domestic policy info to brief twenty word “MiniCards” that you can easily memorize;

3) You may be asked a question not on the MiniCards. Pivot to:

-General boasting: “I will be the best at this!" “They have been the worst at this!” etc. This draws attention away from your lack of knowledge;

-Change the Subject: Try to avoid the fact that you are covering for a lack of knowledge. Create rage to divert attention;

-Promise, promise, promise: Promise jobs. Promise that you will eliminate ISIS. Promise anything. Truth, fact, & follow through, as you know from long experience, are irrelevant. Media are easily fooled by this.

4) Provoke and Divert:

-You have the MiniCard phrases that, for the media, will make you sound informed.

When pressed on issues of actual depth: Provoke and divert. Attack in any way–the truth of the attack, as you know, does not matter.

Media, especially cable networks, will be drawn to the “conflict” & thereby easily duped, describing you as “surprisingly knowledgeable” “characteristically combative”, etc.

They will not realize you are covering for lack of knowledge.

5) If pressed for substance & facts in questions and followups, use the Four GoTos :

a)  GoTo1: Claim that you are “the best," regardless of topic;  your opponent “the worst;”
b)  GoTo2: Claim that you are being treated unfairly;
c)  GoTo3: Use the phrase “some people have mentioned” followed by a personal attack;
d)  GoTo4: Repeat the phrase “Believe me.”

Thursday, September 22, 2016

100 Malignant Narcissists Come Out For Trump

100 Malignant Narcissists Come Out For Trump

Today, in a show of non-empathic camaraderie, 100 severe narcissists came out in support as fellow grandiose, thin-skinned, semi-delusional brethren to their standard-bearer, Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

"Trump reflects well on me" said narcissist Edward O'Neill, beneath a poorly designed wig & masked by an orange tan of a color not found in nature. "I'm stronger, greater, & more important than everyone else. Even him. And don't tell me differently. Are you telling me differently? Are you?" he asked, his veneer of superficial charm giving way to a growing narcissistic rage.

"The problem with the other candidates is that they aren't paying enough attention. To me." said longtime grandiose self-deluder Aaron Josephs. "When Trump demands that people accept his completely off-the-top-of-his-head ideas as concrete facts, ridicules Latinos, African Americans, and women, it reminds me of just how strong, powerful, & completely unconcerned with anyone but myself I can be."

The 100 narcissists attempted to unroll & hang a large banner reading "Trump: You are almost as great as us," but were constantly distracted by the mirrored surfaces of the buildings around them, & eventually wandered off to comb their hair, wipe stray tanner from their hands & shirts, or simply to admire their own profiles.

"Trump" said O'Neill, as he carefully admired his own reflection. "He cares about himself. The rest is just a pose, a charade. He'll say anything to get what he wants--which is an endless stream of praise & admiration. He's never sought anything else, really. Ever. Never a page of policy. He doesn't even understand the Constitution."

"Just praise, power, & the totalitarian control over others that leads to respect" continued O'Neill, hanging his mirrored sunglasses ostentatiously from his shirt.

"That's the only reason he wants to be President. And that's a man I can understand."

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The Trump World of Foundational Work

Let's say that you started a charity.

Let's call it, oh, I don't know, "The Fund for People Suffering From Extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

Now let's say that for seven years, you never put a dime into that charity--zip, nada, nothing.

Now, let's say that you ran into some personal legal problems--as you had over 1200 times before.

Now, let's say that rather than pay your bills--as you had refused to do with your workers, contractors, builders, and thousands of others who had believed your promises--you scooped both of your hands into your charity like a bowl full of Skittles.

Scooped out those donated funds--given as charity, to help those poor extreme narcissists who should never become President--scooped out those funds, and gave them--to yourself.

To pay your own legal bills.

That would be wrong, wouldn't it?

Now let's say that you had the habit of doing this over and over again--taking federal funds and using them for personal purposes, taking the money of hard working laborers and then refusing to pay them, taking billions of dollars of debt and then refusing to pay--but always, always, always, taking care of yourself.

Let's say that over seventy years, you had not learned a page of foreign or domestic policy.

Your knowledge of the Constitution, our governing document, was so poor, that you cited articles that did not exist.

You knew nothing of diplomacy, the processes of federal governance, or even grade school civics.

And let's say that your attitude towards the American people was such that you had been sued on multiple occasions by the Federal Government on Civil Rights violations--for barring Blacks, Latinos, Jews from your apartment buildings.

This wouldn't make a very good President, would it?

Don't be hoodwinked.

Don't be played for a fool.

Get out there and vote:

Against Donald Trump.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Trump Claims Partial Remission of Delusional Disorder

Washington, D.C. At the grandiose facade of his most recent attempt to erect a stable foundation to somehow secure his erratic, careening insecure, irrational, precarious, ultra-sensitive, slippery, unsteady, volatile, weak, borderline, capricious, dubious, fitful, shifty, suspect, temperamental, untrustworthy, vacillating, variable, wavering, weaving, ultimately nihilistic self, Donald Trump claimed today that his five year episode of delusional disorder, one of the most serious, fixed, and untreatable of the psychotic disorders, was in partial remission.

"Reality will now be different" Trump claimed, in royal tones that undercut his claims to be free of psychosis, & led to marked discomfort in his audience. "I now proclaim that Barack Obama was born in...America." He then raised and lowered his right arm in a gesture suggesting that he believed that he was holding a sceptre.

In response to questions from the press that a) he had claimed that the birth certificate produced by the State of Hawaii was an "illusion"; b) that contemporaneous 1961 press reports repeatedly announced the birth as in Hawaiil & that c) African Americans were profoundly concerned that a Presidential candidate had, for five years, claimed that the President was not a citizen, Trump responded:

"Birth certificates, real, false, just a issue made up by the press. The point is, I made the birth certificate real! What he said at the Correspondent's Dinner was just a sign that he knew...he knew...that I could do this. And when. So don't talk to me about Hawaii. I've licensed, I've built, I've created 2, 10, one hundred condos in Hawaii. You think I wouldn't know about one built in 1961! African Americans? Dad! Should I call Mr. Green?"

Campaign manager Kellyanne Conway then moved to the microphone to announce that there would be no more questions, and the press was led back to its newly designed soundproof pen.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

BREAKING: Trump Announces That He Will Name Vladimir Putin as U.S. Secretary of Defense

In a surprise announcement this evening, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald J. Trump announced that he will offer Russian President Vladimir Putin the cabinet office of Secretary of Defense should Trump win the Presidency.

“Why not?” asked Trump at a rally in Akron, Ohio. “We share the same values–he thinks that I am brilliant–and we share the same attitude towards the press. Disgusting, horrible. (wipes hands on pants).

“The most important thing is that America is strong. I believe that Vladimir is also strong. What is so wrong about putting those two strengths together, on behalf of both of our shared interests?”

When asked about Ukraine, and prior incursions into Georgia, Trump was dismissive. “Russia is not in the Ukraine, and I am sure that we can work out a fair deal to keep them out. Just like Carrier and Nabisco, Russia wants to sell its air conditioners, its Oreos, or whatever they call them there. It’s business, like any deal, and I’m sure that we can keep Russia from ever entering Ukraine."

"As for Georgia, why would Vladimir want to invade a Republican state that is thousands of miles away from his nation? Jeff Sessions is a good friend of mine, a strong, strong supporter, and I’m sure that he could keep Russia from entering Georgia, Mississippi, or any of our Southern states."

When asked about Putin’s long history as a trained KGB operative, Russia’s military support on the side of the Syrian government headed by president Bashar al-Assad, further plans to invade neighboring nations, Russian warplanes buzzing U.S. destroyers in the Baltic Sea. Crimea and Eastern Ukraine, the escalating movement of the Russian military near long-term and critical United States allies, and the distinct possibility that Putin is using his long history as a KGB operative to manipulate Trump’s grandiose vulnerabilities, Trump replied:

“I know more than the Russian Generals, and have traveled across many oceans in Atlantic City. Believe me, dealing with casino owners is 10 times, one hundred times more difficult than dealing with some Russian generals, and I have a secret plan to deal with Assad, just you wait. "

"Vladimir and I understand each I other. He has assured me that he will be able to easily split his duties between Russian President and U.S. Secretary of Defense."

"I’ve looked into his eyes–he respects me. And that’s what really matters."

Trump University Body Language Class 101

When handing money to a public official, do so delicately & covertly. It helps to put cash inside of an envelope in case ever-present camera phones may be watching

When lying, it is important to attempt to keep head movements and eye shifting to a minimum. This is difficult when, as we have instructed, telling multiple lies within a single sentence. This will become easier & more automatic as you apply our “ Three Lies In Every Sentence ™” technique over the course of your career.

Remember: Any question can be answered with a completely off-topic response, without any substantive information, & without truth if said with emphasis–as if you believe it. The more lies in a paragraph, the better, as the listener will be overwhelmed with analyzing the  multiple untruths, and eventually normalize such falsehoods as “truth”.

Use the Trump E. M. P. T. Y. Method ™ –Emphasis, Multiple lies per paragraph, Provoke to distract from facts; Tremendous lies are seen as more genuine truths; You are rubber, they are glue–to navigate any situation. Remember: Aggression, and Emphasis, emphasis, emphasis! Chop the air with your hand as you speak. Point your finger at the audience.

Say the lie as if you believe it, and no matter how uninformed, ridiculous, deceitful, fictitious, unfounded, or unreal, it will be perceived as true. Emphasis equals perceived truth, regardless of the lie.

As we instructed, practice in front of a mirror, repeating 50 times daily while holding yourself with confidence & command: “I believe my lies.”

When you are asked a question that you don’t know (e.g. ‘What is the Nuclear Triad,” “Where is Africa”), narrow your eyes, lean forward & change the subject to something completely irrelevant.

This is likely to occur often, so you may begin to suffer from eye strain, lower lumbar discomfort or other repetitive stress injury. If so, consult our staff at the Trump University Health Clinic, in the chip cage behind Casino A.

Facial expressions of disgust, disapproval, and disappointment will help to underscore your constant, ongoing lies with reflexive responding in the listener, causing the more vulnerable among them to believe that any contradiction of you is unacceptable, disrespectful & wrong.

Body language can also be practiced on others. When you find yourself in disagreement with others, it is useful & encouraged to a) threaten to punch them;  b) to ‘“throw them out” or have them physically removed from the environment, c) to lock them up, or other ways of controlling their body movements. Contact Adjunct Professor Putin for further specific details on these methods.

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Trump's New Specific Plans

TRUMP: Good afternoon.

Today, as I promised, I will reveal my secret plan to defeat ISIS. As I stated, I know more about how to defeat ISIS than the generals do.

That is why, today, I am announcing my secret plan: I am giving the generals 30 days to determine how to defeat ISIS.

Some may ask, "If you had a secret plan to defeat ISIS, & you know more than the generals do, then why is your secret plan to give the generals 30 days to determine that plan?"

The only ones concerned about this are the press. And no one cares what the press thinks. Disgusting, horrible. Believe me.

I also am announcing several more enormous policy plans.

On the economy, I am giving the Presumptive Treasury Secretary, Ms. Nell Hughes, 30 days to entirely remove any budget deficit;

Presumptive Secretary of Labor Ms. Pierson will have 30 days to reduce unemployment to zero--zero, zip, gone--and I will immediately instruct all Federal Mints to strike gold Trump coinage, with a modest self-portrait reflective of the respect due my office, & redeemable at Trump casinos for 1.5 times their value.

Presumptive Attorney General McEneny, once she has passed the Bar, will have 30 days to eliminate all crime in America. Drugs, homicides & other brutal crimes committed only by immigrants & minorities will be completely eradicated.

At the same time, within 30 days, we will invalidate frivolous charges such as fraud, racial discrimination, and 1st Amendment violations. Finished. Done. Gone.

Finally, within 10 days all illegal immigrants will return to their homelands; the press will be coordinated into a more efficient, single publication, the People's Herald, led by Press Secretary Jeffrey Lord; hair will spring spontaneously from bald patches on scalps, & all postage stamps will feature the most gorgeous–I mean knockout, yet tasteful–images of First Lady Melania, with all royalties to accrue to our private account.

Thank you.

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Trump, Bondi, and Trump University


a) I gave financial gifts regularly to politicians;

b) The purpose was to influence these politicians to act in the way that I wanted;

c) I did this so that they would not enforce the law;

d) This was my regular practice--for decades;

e) The day after Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi announced that she would seek action against Trump University, I gave her fund $25,000;

f) She then stopped pursuing the charges;

g) I had nothing, nothing to do with this. No attempt to influence her whatsoever. You can believe me.

As always.


Barack Obama has pulled out of a meeting with Rodrigo Duterte, president of the Philippines, after he referred to the American president as a “son of a whore” and threatened to swear at him in a meeting of Asia-Pacific leaders. 

 Obviously a Communications major at Trump University, with a concentration in Public Speaking.

Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi and Donald Trump: Five Lines

Pamela Bondi, dressed up in Spanx;
25 k equals straight in the tanks;
Fraud? Au contraire!
My docket's now bare;
See evil? Hear evil? No thanks.

Sunday, September 04, 2016

Trump Debate Requirements


Memorandum of Understanding
Requirements for Debates

1) Mr. Trump will be provided with all questions, in written form, no less than 1 (one) week in advance of the debate. No changes, additions, emandations, or revisions shall be made to these questions on the evening of the debate, or Mr. Trump will be entitled to a) waive the question; or b) leave the stage.

2) All moderators will treat Mr. Trump with complete respect, as due a best-selling author, entrepreneur & statesman. This will include a) Standing when addressing a question to Mr. Trump; b) Including one statement of praise in each question reflecting Mr. Trump's success; c) Bowing after each question;

3) No debate question shall include reference to a) bankruptcies; b) Federal or State cases of racial discrimination; c) Fraud; d) Doctor's letters; e) prior statements regarding race, sex, ethnicity, weight, attractiveness, intention to deport immigrants, intention to have or not have a deportation force, knowledge of the Constitution, knowledge of Federal or State governance requirements, ex-wives, Skittles, Ukraine, Russia, self-portraits of any size or provenance, bone spurs;

4) All credentialed press will be placed in a soundproof cage in the rear of the debate location; credentials will be provided on the basis of "niceness" to Mr. Trump, as defined by Mr. Trump only, & may be revoked up to & including the entire length of each debate;

5) Mr. Trump will be provided with a podium with a) a large campaign sign reading "Trump"; b) text numbers for donations, c) the phrase "lock them all up!"; & d) a Sennheiser Extreme Vocal Experience Microphone; Clinton will be provided with a) a podium consisting of a cardboard box; b) no signage whatsoever; c) no microphone;

6) Clinton will be barred from stating any specific knowledge of foreign or domestic matters, governmental experience, or the Constitution. Mr. Trump may blow a "knowledge whistle" preventing any & all such statements.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Trump's New Doctor Letter

Harold Bornstein, M.D.

To Whom My Concern,

I have been the personal physician of Mr. Donald J. Trump since 1980. Over the past 39 years, I am pleased to report that Mr. Trump has had no significant electoral problems.

Mr. Trump has reported to me that he has had a recent complete electoral examination that showed only victories in all fifty U.S. States, Guam, and the Virgin Islands. These entirely authentic electoral results, electoral college results, and absentee ballot results were astonishingly excellent.

Over the past 12 months, he has corrected at least 15 errors, slurs, misrepresentations, distortions, evasions, fabrications, aspersions, prevarications & calumnies. Mr. Trump takes 50 repetitions of self-affirming deceptions daily.

His Narcissistic and Psychopathic Personality Inventory test scores are 96 and 98 percent, respectively (low for someone in his astonishing position). His capability & might for producing Republican votes in blue states is breathtakingly, spectacularly, miraculously extraordinary.

Mr. Trump has shown in my observation no form of impulsivity, grandiosity, lack of empathy, destructive aggression, or narcissistic rage. His only other rage was a hair tearing incident which his wife has subsequently denied (see NDA).

He has no history of ever attempting to tamper with, falsify, or otherwise manipulate election results (although he has never previously run).

If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the most electioniest, election-worthy individual ever elected to the presidency.

Harold N. Bornstein, M.D., F.A.C.G.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Trump: Narcissism, Nihilism, Cynicism and the Campaign of Rage

Trump has played a game--a cynical, nihilistic game, qualities which perhaps more than any word that he has uttered during this campaign indicate the type of administration that we would see were Trump to be elected--in which he has:

a) baited reliable low education voters to respond to racist provocation;
b) baited the media, hungry for conflict, to cover such reaction in blanket fashion;
c) maintained the pretense that obvious instigation & inducement are not reality, while winking to his base to sustain their gleeful hatred.

Outrage has propelled prominence, and this noise has utterly masked a complete lack of knowledge of:

-Foreign and Domestic policy;
-A grade school level of civics and the basic tasks of governance;
-The separation of powers.

Now, he is attempting--through mercenaries such as Conway and battered, desperately grasping last-chancers such as Christie, to attempt to draw back a full season of racist, misogynist, and anti-Semitic taunts, insults, and threats, and a sickening willingness to draw White Nationalists, Neo-Nazis, Grand Wizards, and the most delusional of paranoid conspiracy theorists into his Grand Opportunistic Coalition of rage.

As he casts about--softening, hardening, soft again--to escape the impulsive cage of repugnance, revulsion, accusation, smear, odium, calumny, and gleeful unleashed malevolent frenzy, that he has built, remember:

This is what he, in over a year, has offered, in action after action, statement after statement, as a campaign.

This is what he has displayed as a veil and indirection--to cover and distract from a lack of elemental knowledge.

This is a campaign for the purpose not of policy, which changes by the day, and not of national unity, as we have seen him remorselessly divide a nation--but one of pure narcissistic fulfillment.

He wants it--for himself.

The Presidency is designed to serve the nation.

It is not a shallow, empty narcissistic trophy.

Do not elect this man.


August 28, 2016

JOHN DICKERSON, HOST: Mr. Trump said that 11 million people must be removed from the country immediately upon his taking office. Yet, more recently, he has claimed that there will no longer be what he previously called a “Deportation Force.” How will he remove 11 million people?


D: (pauses): Magic?

K: Yes, magic. As you know, Mr. Trump has been what many people say is a successful operator of important casinos. Today, Mr. Trump will be introducing a Secretary of Illusion, making use of a highly qualified performer who previously worked at those casinos. I’d like to present him now–Mr. David Copperfield!

Copperfield enters. He is wearing a cape, strikes a dramatic pose and waves his hands frantically.

D: A Secretary…of Illusion.

K: Yes. Presumptive Secretary Copperfield has made lions, tigers, women (TRUMP, offset, puts finger to lips) even entire crowds just…disappear!

C waves cape dramatically.

D: Ms. Conway, Isn't the very meaning of “illusion” a false image or impression of reality?

K: For Mr. Trump,  illusion is reality. Denying homes to African Americans is opportunity; posting anti Semitic images and calling Mexicans rapists & criminals is tolerance.  Welcoming the approval of white nationalists, David Duke and making one your campaign CEO is embracing human diversity. War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.

D: So, you’re saying that whatever words are said, the reality doesn't matter, even if it is the direct opposite of what was said before. As long as people believe it.

K: Opposite, reality, those are just Democrat words. What matters is what Mr. Trump says today...umm… (looks at watch). Now. Right now.

D (pauses): We'll be right back.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Trump and the Alternate Universe

LOCATION: Alternate Universe, Zeta Zjgerfk, 76^vX--B

TRUMP: Of course, I understand the plight of African-Americans. I had the opportunity to attend Wharton, but instead chose to attend City College, so I could have a better understanding of a diverse group of students, as I strove to develop an integrated knowledge of policy, business, government, & the many differences of the human condition.

Q: What did you do after City?

T: My father ran a construction business in Queens. Largely rental housing. It was the 1970s, & many landlords attempted to find loopholes in housing laws to keep minorities out. But I insisted--I told my father: "Dad, now is the time. We have to provide everyone with a home who needs one. If not now, when?" I'm proud to say that we received an award from the Justice Department for being one of the first developers in New York to open up rental housing to low income minorities. I tend to keep my office walls empty, but that is one of the few certificates that I hung with pride.

Q: After that?

A: Well, I knew that I could rely on my father's contacts, his line of credit, his connections with city officials. But I determined to truly make it on my own.

First, I spent a year in the Peace Corps, in Rwanda, helping the poorest citizens to build homes from the rawest of raw materials. We found every scrap, every nail, but it was worth it to see the smile on their faces when we had finally built together a place that they could call home.

Then, as you know, it was to Manhattan--where I persuaded the City to donate the unused Penn Central yards for the largest and most successful low income housing project in the United States.

I may not have made much of a profit, but each day I see the profit in the eyes of the families that greet me, as they emerge with pride & gratitude.

Q: Mr. Trump, I must say that you've truly shown, in your many works over decades, that when it comes to African Americans, they genuinely have nothing to lose.

Trump and White Nationalism

The connections that Trump, Bannon et al. have with White Nationalism are as follows:

Trump has virtually no grasp, knowledge or understanding of foreign policy.

He is extremely impulsive, prone to reckless acts to   prove a) his power; & b) that he was right all along against a host of imagined enemies.

This ever-defensive grandiosity–a childhood wish that he is “the greatest in the world”--is his purpose for running. It requires a constant source of enemies & conflict to “prove” his “rightness.”

White Nationalism is built exactly on such human impulses, weakness, & failings, & the craving for an impulsive momentary satisfaction through hate.

Thought is complicated, & takes actual time & persistence. Impulse is immediate, consists purely of feeling, & for a moment feels strong–until challenged by thought, fact, & reality.

Nationalism, Totalitarianism, & Fascism have been built precisely upon this impulse.

Those seeking grandiose confirmation have attached themselves to this impulse as prospective “leaders”–their “leadership” consisting primarily of the capability to whip up the release of this impulse of hatred in those most vulnerable to it: Those most suspicious of intellect & thought, the voters that, in a telling slip, Trump noted that he “most loves.”

Racism, anti-Semitism, misogyny all are used to whip up the impulse to abandon thought to gleeful hatred.

Trump knows this, & with the remorselessness of sociopathy & nihilism, has used it–for self-stimulation, for effect, for amusement, & to attempt to grasp at a greater form of personal grandiosity. We know how this ends.

That is the reason for his run. The only reason. The U.S. does not exist for his next grasp at vainglorious praise.

Republican, Democratic--these are meaningless here. This is a condition, not a candidate, Stimulated by conflict, lacking remorse, irresistibly baited--these, as we have seen, will only become worse.

As a human being on this Earth: Do not vote for this man.

Trump's Doctor Letter

  From the desk of: 

Dear Harold, 

I am attaching the letter that we discussed. I have included the PSA results--the best!--and all of the other positive results that, as I mentioned, my personal doctor has found. Everything--positive, positive, positive!  

All you need to do is sign the letter. There will be a car waiting outside to pick it up today at 4:30.  

As we will need it for the press conference at 5, I would appreciate it if you would sign it--of course, look it over, it you need to--and then give it to the courier as quickly as possible so we will have it for the conference.  

Please make sure to keep the line about "most extraordinary" and "other Presidents." It helps with the press--what do they know, the worst! 

Thanks for helping out with that little "Big Mac" obstruction recently--I guess that little burger just didn't know how to handle such a big, astonishingly healthy body!  

So, just sign, and give it to the carrier--you don't even have to look at it. It's ready to go, OK?  

Appreciate your help. Remember, you are always comped at Trump National Gold Course--just tell them that DJT said that you are first in line. See you on the links! 



P.S. I contacted Lenox Hill. They're fine with the "affiliation." Don't give it a second thought. DJT

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

The "Softening"

The "Softening"

Trump Tower
August 24, 2016

Participants: Kellyanne Conway, Steve Bannon, Donald Trump

CONWAY: Steve has prepared the storyboards & mockups for the "softening." Can we bring them in please?

Aide enters with multiple storyboards & signs, placing the first on an easel.

It depicts a crude stereotype of a Mexican male, wearing sombrero, & holding a handball raquet, standing & smiling before a giant wall. Beneath reads the caption: "HANDBALL IS FUN!"

CONWAY: There are many purposes to a wall, & we certainly don't want to hurt people. This points out the advantages to Mexico--at their own expense, of course, Mr. Trump--to their exercise, their leisure, their health.

TRUMP: I thought we weren't mentioning "health" this week, after the Bornstein letter.

CONWAY: Yes, but this is for their health, it's part of the "softening," Mr. Trump. Next card.

Depicts a similarly crude caricature of an African American man, clad in rags, wearing a "Make America Great Again" cap, looking up to a smiling, benevolent, Rockwellesque Trump, who is handing him the lease to a 1-room apartment.  Beneath is the caption "NOTHIN' TO LOSE!"

BANNON: This should appeal to the core demographic, according to Breitbart polling.

TRUMP: Yes, but erase any of the language on the lease. I don't want any "trouble" (Trump makes air quotes) like we had with Trump Village.

CONWAY: The third, Mr. Trump, we're most proud of.

Aide rests card on easel. It depicts a long road across the U.S.  Smiling guards in uniform stand closely by, as families, children, grandparents walk the path --all towards Mexico.  Above, in vibrant gold letters, the caption: "THE ASSISTED BIRTHRIGHT JOURNEY."

CONWAY: The idea here is that it is their right...their duty...their...obligation to return. We are simply...helping them on this mandatory...that is, essential return to their homeland.

TRUMP: Too much softening, Kelly. Rapists. Criminals! What if they refuse?

CONWAY: (pause) TBD.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Mongolian Trump

November 7, 2016

The crowd inside Trump Headquarters appeared disconsolate as their candidate had lost the election by 11 points to Hillary Clinton.

Still, they awaited a speech from their leader. A concession, yes, but also a degree of consolation, of inspiration for days to come.

Finally, at 1 am, Trump emerged. His orange hair strayed wildly, as if pulled in anxiety, as he ran onto the platform.

He threw himself to the platform, rolling inconsolably. The crowd watched uncomfortably.

Trump leapt up & raced to the three huge screens behind the podium. “How? How can this be?” he shouted at them. “ I am the only one who can do this!”  Sweat dripped through his thick orange makeup as he grasped his tie, &, with a single tug at the frailly-woven Malaysian knot, pulled it off & threw it to the ground.

The jacket. Struggling to remove it from his  bulging midsection,  he pulled it off, one arm, then the other, & cast it with rage to the floor. Tearing at his shirt, without removing the buttons, & finally, 1 by 1, they popped, flying into the crowd as he threw the tanner-streaked garment bitterly to one side. He removed each shoe–in wild fury, yet taking care to avoid his severe congenital floating bone spurs, & slammed them to the podium.

Standing, in gold thong & socks, he then pleaded with media in the back of the room, in their cage, as if they could somehow, beyond government, beyond the Constitution, beyond the separation of powers, beyond reality: “Rematch! I demand a rematch!”

The 4 remaining credentialed media stared back silently. Despite all the power he had attributed to them, all the gauntlets he had thrown before them–there was nothing they could do.

Campaign officials approached, as Trump rolled to the floor, sobbing. He would not leave.

Finally, members of Trump’s trainee Deportation Force arose from the audience, & led him away, still sobbing, a trail of orange behind him, that grew thinner, & thinner, & finally disappeared as he left the stage.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Trump's Upcoming Third "Important" Policy Speech

September 4th, 2016

We see a stage with podium.

Reince Preibus enters. He is wheeling Trump in a rolling “Silence of the Lambs” upright steel stretcher with face cage.

Priebus rolls the cage behind the podium, positions microphone beside Trump’s mouth, and exits.

TRUMP: We are here today to discuss a major topic, a very important topic, our American crime & legal policy.

There are simply too many judges in the United States. Why do we need so many? We have at least 1000 members in the Congress–5000, 10,000, & we have pageant judges, Judge Joe Brown, a very good friend, we bring him to Mar-a-lago once a year, Sheriff Arparo, basically a judge…Why do we need more?

Criminals roam our streets. Yet our legal system wastes resources on such trivial issues as bankrupcies, fraud, divorce settlements, fair housing accommodations (voice begins to rise). Enough of these disgusting, terrible suits, the work of Mexicans! Mexican judges tunneling under the Supreme Court! Sending coded messages through the television! I’ve heard it! (He is shouting)

(Priebus enters with syringe. Waves awkwardly to crowd. Injects Trump in arm through roll cage. Trump becomes more slack, relaxed and continues):

Drug policy. We must be able to keep drugs off the streets, & in the higher-end clubs & red state meth labs, where they belong. Also, some casino use is ok, if it boosts play rate.

Guns, must be kept out of the hands of criminals, & in the hands of patriots. That is why I am announcing today a new policy that I call “Extreme Protection: Vote Right, Shoot Right.”

Each voter who states that they have voted for Trump will be awarded a free gun. Right at the polls. Protect themselves from Crooked Hillary supporters immediately.

This plan will make (speech begins to slur) a safer, Mom, don't want to go to Military School...

(Falls asleep).