The Impulsively Unreflective Duo In:
Crisis on Wall Street!
John McCain is leaning back in a chair in his office in the Fortress of Irritability. An aide is carrying in a map of Spain when the Macphone rings.
McCain (answering): Fire Cox! Send him to Yugoslavia! Hello?
Hank Paulson (on other end of line): John, it's Hank. We are here in the Capitol. Every financial expert is assembled here, John. We have consulted every master, conferred with the widest and most informed authorities, asked every adept. We need you, John, you, with your mastery of financial expertise, to arrive at the door of our ineptitude and help us find an answer.
John, you must...suspend the campaign.
McCain: Suspend the campaign? But...the people need my expert advice here, Hank. (Aide is unfolding the map on a table, circling Spain in red, and writing in large bold letters "Not Czechoslovakia"). They need me here. Where my acts can matter most. In...In...(pauses)
Aide: The Fortress, Sir.
McCain: The Fortress, Hank. I can't just sit up and say "I suspend my campaign." That would look to anyone like the most clear act of political pandering, why, it's just...just...
The "I" on his chest lights up and begins to blink.
McCain: I'll do it!
Hank: That's wonderful, John. We'll see you...
McCain: (Standing up, cape waving behind him) In a moment!
Aide: (to McCain): But who will man the fortress?
McCain walks to secret bookshelf. Removes book entitled "Courage". The bookshelf magically spins, revealing a grey vault. McCain turns the combination lock.
McCain: 21...72...23...skidoo...Drat! (starting again) 21...90...I'm sure that I disagreed with President Bush a lot of the time, Senator Obama! (pauses).
Aide: Let me help you with that, Sir. (quickly turns the lock left, right and left. The door of the vault slowly opens, with the sound of a vacuum seal.)
This reveals a large auditorium, filled with advisers, cameras, and teleprompters. Over loudspeakers, a voice is filling the hall with sound: "The capital of Iraq is...Baghdad. Bagh...dad. The capital of Iran is..."
On the stage is Sarah Palin. She is holding a college text entitled "World Geography."
Palin: Ooooh. I know this one.
An adviser is standing to her right.
Adviser: Take your time, Sarah. Remember--think before you talk.
Palin: I know, I know. Can't I just say "A place that is deserving of our freedoms"?
Adviser: We've been over this before, Sarah. Remember--"Specific is terrific!"
Palin: Specific is terrific. Specific is terrific.
She shuffles her index cards and the loudspeakers intone..."The capital of Iran is...Tehran. Teh...ran."
Palin: Oooooh. They sound so much the same! Iran, Tehran. That's why I can't remember!
As McCain, hands on hips, cape waving, enters the auditorium.
Palin: Mr. McCain!
Both of their "I"s blink briefly.
McCain: Sarah, I want you to watch the Fortress until I return. I have a very important mission. About Wall Street.
Palin (to adviser): But I thought Mr. Reagan told Mr. Gorbachev to 'tear down that wall!'
Adviser slowly shakes head.
Palin: But...can't I come on this mission, Mr. McCain? Please? I just know I could help!
McCain: Well, I think that a largely unprepared economic novice, struggling to comprehend concepts that are confounding the most experienced and educated authorities in the area...
Both McCain's and Palin's "I"s blink brightly.
McCain: ...Is just what this market needs! Let's go, Sarah! To the rescue!
Sarah: To the rescue, Mr. McCain!
NEXT EPISODE: The Evil Katie-Woman endangers Palin with a hypnotic confusion device...Questions! Can Sarah resist their terrible power?
Coming this week! On...
The Impulsively Unreflective Duo!
Monday, September 29, 2008
The Impulsively Unreflective Duo In: