Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Darrell Issa's Amazing Feat

We see a stage. A curtain is open to each side.

ANNOUNCER: "Ladies and gentlemen...the amazing...the astounding...the remarkable...Daredevil Darrell Issa!"

Issa emerges clad in daredevil suit, festooned with stars.

ISSA: "I will now attempt a very serious, a very solemn task, one that calls for the greatest fairness, principle & courage.

I will attempt to drive an automobile directly through a flaming hoop--straight through a wall of fire--all while wearing the incorruptible Blindfold of Justice."

Issa points to a large hoop positioned centrally midstage.

ISSA: "To ensure that I have no undue influence on this remarkable feat, I will first select an unbiased, objective member of the public at random, to light the hoop on fire".

Issa removes a can of lighter fluid from his inner suit pocket. He walks to the hoop, & sprays it liberally with the fluid. He then removes a packet of matches from his pocket, strikes one, & lights the hoop aflame.

ISSA (gravely): "Now...Produce the automobile!"

A red Maserati is driven out onto the stage.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: "Hey! That's my car!"

Issa strides to the car. He opens the driver's side door.

ISSA: "Now...the Blindfold of Justice".

With a flourish, he wraps the blindfold around his head, and positions it around his eyes. It has two large, gaping holes.

ISSA: "And now...straight through the hoop--without a gap or pause!"

Issa slowly drives the vehicle around the side of the hoop, evading the hoop and the flame entirely, stopping on the other side. He emerges.

ISSA: "We have three judges behind the curtain, & while I cannot bring them out, I have read their transcripts, & each has concluded...I have done it! I have passed through the wall of fire to the other side!"

The audience is silent, with the exception of Jason Chaffetz, who applauds with overexcited exaggeration, & Trey Gowdy, who rises & shouts "Justice!" with a vicious glare.

Issa sourly frowns.