TRUMP: Good afternoon.
Today, as I promised, I will reveal my secret plan to defeat ISIS. As I stated, I know more about how to defeat ISIS than the generals do.
That is why, today, I am announcing my secret plan: I am giving the generals 30 days to determine how to defeat ISIS.
Some may ask, "If you had a secret plan to defeat ISIS, & you know more than the generals do, then why is your secret plan to give the generals 30 days to determine that plan?"
The only ones concerned about this are the press. And no one cares what the press thinks. Disgusting, horrible. Believe me.
I also am announcing several more enormous policy plans.
On the economy, I am giving the Presumptive Treasury Secretary, Ms. Nell Hughes, 30 days to entirely remove any budget deficit;
Presumptive Secretary of Labor Ms. Pierson will have 30 days to reduce unemployment to zero--zero, zip, gone--and I will immediately instruct all Federal Mints to strike gold Trump coinage, with a modest self-portrait reflective of the respect due my office, & redeemable at Trump casinos for 1.5 times their value.
Presumptive Attorney General McEneny, once she has passed the Bar, will have 30 days to eliminate all crime in America. Drugs, homicides & other brutal crimes committed only by immigrants & minorities will be completely eradicated.
At the same time, within 30 days, we will invalidate frivolous charges such as fraud, racial discrimination, and 1st Amendment violations. Finished. Done. Gone.
Finally, within 10 days all illegal immigrants will return to their homelands; the press will be coordinated into a more efficient, single publication, the People's Herald, led by Press Secretary Jeffrey Lord; hair will spring spontaneously from bald patches on scalps, & all postage stamps will feature the most gorgeous–I mean knockout, yet tasteful–images of First Lady Melania, with all royalties to accrue to our private account.