Trump Abandons U.S. Presidential Run, Accepts Dictatorship of Cuba

In a surprise move Thursday evening, Donald J. Trump announced that he was abandoning his campaign for President of the United States in order to accept the Dictatorship of Cuba.

"Why not? In, the U.S., I would have to build up to becoming a totalitarian leader. All of the changes in the laws, the Constitution, Separation of Powers. Too much reading, concentration. Too much work!"

"Here, the dictatorship is ready-made. I've talked with Fidel. It's like with Vladimir, we understand each other. Law and order, put those people who don't see things our way politically where they belong."

"Here, there's no need for 'debates' or 'freedom of speech'" said Trump, making air quotes as he said each of the phrases. It's just up to the Palace, through the doors, into the Throne--not so classy, we'll have to work on that--and bing bang boom, you're in."

"And the hotels and casinos. There's nothing here! I can have a Trump Plaza, a Trump International, and Trump Village on every street! Everywhere you look--nothing but Trump, Trump, Trump!"

When asked how he thought his U.S. supporters would react to such news, Trump stated that "the 'low education' voters will probably be upset, but they'll get over it. Not big thinkers, that crew. And, look, we'll give them vouchers to come here, they can gamble, see a show. It will be just like Atlantic City--huge, a huge, huge, success."

"I already know they key words in Spanish to lead--Dinero and Adios!" said Trump, "and we'll bring Oreos and Carrier here--it's hot!"

"So say "adios" to President Trump and get ready to bring your dinero to "El Dictador!" said Trump as he climbed into an armored limousine. "And we'll have to bring Ford here, A.S.A.P. The cars here are horrible. Disgusting!" finished Trump, wiping his hands on his pants as he drove off, surrounded by a fleet of armed military bodyguards, into the Havana night.

Trump Blames Bad Microphone For Lincoln Assassination

CNBC Studios
New York

BECKY QUICK: So, Mr. Trump, if I understand you correctly, you're saying that your debate microphone is responsible for the Lincoln Assassination.

TRUMP: It was! It was bad! A bad microphone! Many people have said that. And crooked Hillary Clinton. You know...how they say in baseball, a Double Hitter? They were the Double Hitter of the Lincoln Assassination.

QUICK: Mr. Trump, the Lincoln Assassination took place in 1865. How would it even be possible for either of them to have been involved?

TRUMP: I've sent teams...teams...back to look for this. They are saying amazing things, amazing things, that they've found. Incredible things.

QUICK: How would it even be possible...

TRUMP (Interrupting irritably): Look. Believe me. I have seen this. Unbelievable evidence. Just unbelievable. A disaster. One of the great catastrophes of all time. Horrible. Terrible. Disgusting. (Wipes hands on pants).

QUICK: But John Wilkes Booth was proven...how...

TRUMP: How? They walk in. They walk into the booth, or the veranda, or whatever they call it, boom. It's done. I've seen it. They committed this. They invented this.

QUICK (Shaking head): So you blame...

TRUMP: There's only one thing to blame. The mic! And Hillary. I just know that they did this, they got us into a mess the likes of which this country has never seen, walked in, forty-five degree angle, went into Henry Ford Theater, wherever, and boom, finished, done. The mic and Hillary. Crooked Hillary! And I promise that my first act as President will be to rescind the assassination, rescind it entirely, even if I have to use Article Seventeen of the Constitution, I'll do it. I'm the only one who can do it. And I'll get it done.

QUICK (Pauses): We'll be right back.

Debate 1

Arrogant.

Ignorant--even of basic facts.

Temperamentally unable to stay calm, truthful, anything but out of control for more than five minutes--interrupting the moderator and the candidate constantly, unable to stay on topic for more than a few seconds, constantly turning to wild irrelevancies, falsehoods, and diversions throughout;

Keeping to his Politifact ratio of a falsehood every three sentences.

Admitting to paying no taxes, to stiffing thousands of hard working laborers, workers, employees.

Trump showed himself as the chaotic, impulsive, unscrupulous, easily triggered to rage candidate that we knew him to be.

An angry, uncontrolled, uninformed, remarkably thin-skinned, impulsive, entirely self-absorbed child--the narcissist parle de resistance.

He cannot change this. He would be this way in office--with the nuclear codes at hand.

He showed the truth:

He is temperamentally entirely unfit and fundamentally dangerous to be President of the United States. 

Trump, Conway, and "The New Truth"

MSNBC Studios
New York

Brzezinski: We're asking why he lied about Lester Holt, calling him a Democrat. He's a Registered Republican.

Conway: He didn't lie.

B: Umm...I think he did.

C: Mika, a lie would mean that he knew the man's party registration.

B: But, Kellyanne--if Trump didn't know, why would he say that Holt was a Democrat?

C: That's the genius of Mr. Trump. He has a mind that actually transcends knowledge, where it's the words themselves, the way he says them, the effect that they have on the people--that's what's important.

B: So, your saying that, as far as Mr. Trump is concerned, it's how he sounds, how he appears, rather than facts or truth, that actually matters.

C: Mika, who knows what's really true? That's why Mr. Trump has taken the bold new stance of putting aside all information & fact entirely, & simply relying on the words that emerge from his mouth. They are the truth as far as Mr. Trump is concerned.

B: So you are saying that the reason that Trump has been found to lie in every third sentence is because he is actively trying to reject knowledge? To evade facts entirely?

C: It's not evasion, Mika. It's the creation of a fantastic new reality, a Trump reality, where 70 years of gluttonous self-serving is actually a way of showing people an exciting new way of living; where ignorance of the Constitution, Foreign & Domestic policy, or even grade school civics is actually evidence of a pristine open mind. Where $2 billion in debt & six bankruptcies are evidence of success! And where Putin isn't Trump's Stalinesque totalitarian model & latest controlling lender, but our happy, warm new friend. Freed from the slavery of "fact" (CONWAY makes air quotes) --it makes a beautiful picture for America.

B: None of it is true, Kelly.

C: If all goes well, we'll soon be scanning Twitter feeds for such "truths."  And we'll be starting with yours.

THIS WEEK: Trump and Conway on Slavery

THIS WEEK STUDIOS
Washington, DC

Stephanopoulos: So, if I understand you, Ms. Conway, Trump is saying that slavery wasn't so bad.

Conway: Look at the facts, George. Plantations had many of the features you can find at homes across the nation, even Mr. Trump's Mar-a-lago. Large fields made for daily exercise.  Guest houses with rustic primitive features valued by many of today's finest artists. Shackles to prevent them from straying into dangerous, harmful areas. This was protection, George. Some would call it rejuvenating, with many of the simple, pastoral amenities of a Jackson Hole.

S: You aren't seriously saying that Trump compares slavery to a luxury spa?

C: Mr. Trump is an expert on luxury spas, George, & has established them across the world. Singapore. Saudi Arabia. Congo. The Sudan. Why, I understand that he is in talks now with Joseph Kony to create a new resort for Mr. Kony's troops & his guests. Why shouldn't everyone be able to have the same treatment?

S: The problem is that Mr. Trump is saying that African-Americans had better conditions when they were slaves--without freedom. What does that say about how he would treat African Americans if he was elected?

C: Freedom is overrated, George. Mr. Trump was just speaking with Mr. Putin. They both agreed that what matters is safety & strength, & someone to provide it. In fact, they're talking about creating those conditions together, to protect all Americans from the dangers of such freedom. We really don't think enough about that, George.

Mr. Trump knows that if they respect & praise him, he can treat them well in return. And isn't that what all people, all Americans really want?

S: Americans want freedom, KellyAnne. America is based upon the promise of that freedom.

C: Mr. Trump promises them so much more--borders that have walls; streets that are patrolled from dawn 'til dusk to keep them free from disruption. Sometimes, George, it takes a chain to set people free.

S (pauses): We'll be right back.

SECRET: Trump Debate Prep Plans 1

SECRET: TRUMP DEBATE PREP PLANS 1:

1) Always be sure to bring the briefing books on the plane so they believe that you aren’t preparing;

2) Kellyanne has reduced the foreign & domestic policy info to brief twenty word “MiniCards” that you can easily memorize;

3) You may be asked a question not on the MiniCards. Pivot to:

-General boasting: “I will be the best at this!" “They have been the worst at this!” etc. This draws attention away from your lack of knowledge;

-Change the Subject: Try to avoid the fact that you are covering for a lack of knowledge. Create rage to divert attention;

-Promise, promise, promise: Promise jobs. Promise that you will eliminate ISIS. Promise anything. Truth, fact, & follow through, as you know from long experience, are irrelevant. Media are easily fooled by this.

4) Provoke and Divert:

-You have the MiniCard phrases that, for the media, will make you sound informed.

When pressed on issues of actual depth: Provoke and divert. Attack in any way–the truth of the attack, as you know, does not matter.

Media, especially cable networks, will be drawn to the “conflict” & thereby easily duped, describing you as “surprisingly knowledgeable” “characteristically combative”, etc.

They will not realize you are covering for lack of knowledge.

5) If pressed for substance & facts in questions and followups, use the Four GoTos :

a)  GoTo1: Claim that you are “the best," regardless of topic;  your opponent “the worst;”
b)  GoTo2: Claim that you are being treated unfairly;
c)  GoTo3: Use the phrase “some people have mentioned” followed by a personal attack;
d)  GoTo4: Repeat the phrase “Believe me.”

100 Malignant Narcissists Come Out For Trump

100 Malignant Narcissists Come Out For Trump

Today, in a show of non-empathic camaraderie, 100 severe narcissists came out in support as fellow grandiose, thin-skinned, semi-delusional brethren to their standard-bearer, Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

"Trump reflects well on me" said narcissist Edward O'Neill, beneath a poorly designed wig & masked by an orange tan of a color not found in nature. "I'm stronger, greater, & more important than everyone else. Even him. And don't tell me differently. Are you telling me differently? Are you?" he asked, his veneer of superficial charm giving way to a growing narcissistic rage.

"The problem with the other candidates is that they aren't paying enough attention. To me." said longtime grandiose self-deluder Aaron Josephs. "When Trump demands that people accept his completely off-the-top-of-his-head ideas as concrete facts, ridicules Latinos, African Americans, and women, it reminds me of just how strong, powerful, & completely unconcerned with anyone but myself I can be."

The 100 narcissists attempted to unroll & hang a large banner reading "Trump: You are almost as great as us," but were constantly distracted by the mirrored surfaces of the buildings around them, & eventually wandered off to comb their hair, wipe stray tanner from their hands & shirts, or simply to admire their own profiles.

"Trump" said O'Neill, as he carefully admired his own reflection. "He cares about himself. The rest is just a pose, a charade. He'll say anything to get what he wants--which is an endless stream of praise & admiration. He's never sought anything else, really. Ever. Never a page of policy. He doesn't even understand the Constitution."

"Just praise, power, & the totalitarian control over others that leads to respect" continued O'Neill, hanging his mirrored sunglasses ostentatiously from his shirt.

"That's the only reason he wants to be President. And that's a man I can understand."

The Trump World of Foundational Work

Let's say that you started a charity.

Let's call it, oh, I don't know, "The Fund for People Suffering From Extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

Now let's say that for seven years, you never put a dime into that charity--zip, nada, nothing.

Now, let's say that you ran into some personal legal problems--as you had over 1200 times before.

Now, let's say that rather than pay your bills--as you had refused to do with your workers, contractors, builders, and thousands of others who had believed your promises--you scooped both of your hands into your charity like a bowl full of Skittles.

Scooped out those donated funds--given as charity, to help those poor extreme narcissists who should never become President--scooped out those funds, and gave them--to yourself.

To pay your own legal bills.

That would be wrong, wouldn't it?

Now let's say that you had the habit of doing this over and over again--taking federal funds and using them for personal purposes, taking the money of hard working laborers and then refusing to pay them, taking billions of dollars of debt and then refusing to pay--but always, always, always, taking care of yourself.

Let's say that over seventy years, you had not learned a page of foreign or domestic policy.

Your knowledge of the Constitution, our governing document, was so poor, that you cited articles that did not exist.

You knew nothing of diplomacy, the processes of federal governance, or even grade school civics.

And let's say that your attitude towards the American people was such that you had been sued on multiple occasions by the Federal Government on Civil Rights violations--for barring Blacks, Latinos, Jews from your apartment buildings.

This wouldn't make a very good President, would it?

Don't be hoodwinked.

Don't be played for a fool.

Get out there and vote:

Against Donald Trump.

Trump Claims Partial Remission of Delusional Disorder

Washington, D.C. At the grandiose facade of his most recent attempt to erect a stable foundation to somehow secure his erratic, careening insecure, irrational, precarious, ultra-sensitive, slippery, unsteady, volatile, weak, borderline, capricious, dubious, fitful, shifty, suspect, temperamental, untrustworthy, vacillating, variable, wavering, weaving, ultimately nihilistic self, Donald Trump claimed today that his five year episode of delusional disorder, one of the most serious, fixed, and untreatable of the psychotic disorders, was in partial remission.

"Reality will now be different" Trump claimed, in royal tones that undercut his claims to be free of psychosis, & led to marked discomfort in his audience. "I now proclaim that Barack Obama was born in...America." He then raised and lowered his right arm in a gesture suggesting that he believed that he was holding a sceptre.

In response to questions from the press that a) he had claimed that the birth certificate produced by the State of Hawaii was an "illusion"; b) that contemporaneous 1961 press reports repeatedly announced the birth as in Hawaiil & that c) African Americans were profoundly concerned that a Presidential candidate had, for five years, claimed that the President was not a citizen, Trump responded:

"Birth certificates, real, false, just a issue made up by the press. The point is, I made the birth certificate real! What he said at the Correspondent's Dinner was just a sign that he knew...he knew...that I could do this. And when. So don't talk to me about Hawaii. I've licensed, I've built, I've created 2, 10, one hundred condos in Hawaii. You think I wouldn't know about one built in 1961! African Americans? Dad! Should I call Mr. Green?"

Campaign manager Kellyanne Conway then moved to the microphone to announce that there would be no more questions, and the press was led back to its newly designed soundproof pen.

BREAKING: Trump Announces That He Will Name Vladimir Putin as U.S. Secretary of Defense

In a surprise announcement this evening, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald J. Trump announced that he will offer Russian President Vladimir Putin the cabinet office of Secretary of Defense should Trump win the Presidency.

“Why not?” asked Trump at a rally in Akron, Ohio. “We share the same values–he thinks that I am brilliant–and we share the same attitude towards the press. Disgusting, horrible. (wipes hands on pants).

“The most important thing is that America is strong. I believe that Vladimir is also strong. What is so wrong about putting those two strengths together, on behalf of both of our shared interests?”

When asked about Ukraine, and prior incursions into Georgia, Trump was dismissive. “Russia is not in the Ukraine, and I am sure that we can work out a fair deal to keep them out. Just like Carrier and Nabisco, Russia wants to sell its air conditioners, its Oreos, or whatever they call them there. It’s business, like any deal, and I’m sure that we can keep Russia from ever entering Ukraine."

"As for Georgia, why would Vladimir want to invade a Republican state that is thousands of miles away from his nation? Jeff Sessions is a good friend of mine, a strong, strong supporter, and I’m sure that he could keep Russia from entering Georgia, Mississippi, or any of our Southern states."

When asked about Putin’s long history as a trained KGB operative, Russia’s military support on the side of the Syrian government headed by president Bashar al-Assad, further plans to invade neighboring nations, Russian warplanes buzzing U.S. destroyers in the Baltic Sea. Crimea and Eastern Ukraine, the escalating movement of the Russian military near long-term and critical United States allies, and the distinct possibility that Putin is using his long history as a KGB operative to manipulate Trump’s grandiose vulnerabilities, Trump replied:

“I know more than the Russian Generals, and have traveled across many oceans in Atlantic City. Believe me, dealing with casino owners is 10 times, one hundred times more difficult than dealing with some Russian generals, and I have a secret plan to deal with Assad, just you wait. "

"Vladimir and I understand each I other. He has assured me that he will be able to easily split his duties between Russian President and U.S. Secretary of Defense."

"I’ve looked into his eyes–he respects me. And that’s what really matters."

Trump University Body Language Class 101

When handing money to a public official, do so delicately & covertly. It helps to put cash inside of an envelope in case ever-present camera phones may be watching

When lying, it is important to attempt to keep head movements and eye shifting to a minimum. This is difficult when, as we have instructed, telling multiple lies within a single sentence. This will become easier & more automatic as you apply our “ Three Lies In Every Sentence ™” technique over the course of your career.

Remember: Any question can be answered with a completely off-topic response, without any substantive information, & without truth if said with emphasis–as if you believe it. The more lies in a paragraph, the better, as the listener will be overwhelmed with analyzing the  multiple untruths, and eventually normalize such falsehoods as “truth”.

Use the Trump E. M. P. T. Y. Method ™ –Emphasis, Multiple lies per paragraph, Provoke to distract from facts; Tremendous lies are seen as more genuine truths; You are rubber, they are glue–to navigate any situation. Remember: Aggression, and Emphasis, emphasis, emphasis! Chop the air with your hand as you speak. Point your finger at the audience.

Say the lie as if you believe it, and no matter how uninformed, ridiculous, deceitful, fictitious, unfounded, or unreal, it will be perceived as true. Emphasis equals perceived truth, regardless of the lie.

As we instructed, practice in front of a mirror, repeating 50 times daily while holding yourself with confidence & command: “I believe my lies.”

When you are asked a question that you don’t know (e.g. ‘What is the Nuclear Triad,” “Where is Africa”), narrow your eyes, lean forward & change the subject to something completely irrelevant.

This is likely to occur often, so you may begin to suffer from eye strain, lower lumbar discomfort or other repetitive stress injury. If so, consult our staff at the Trump University Health Clinic, in the chip cage behind Casino A.

Facial expressions of disgust, disapproval, and disappointment will help to underscore your constant, ongoing lies with reflexive responding in the listener, causing the more vulnerable among them to believe that any contradiction of you is unacceptable, disrespectful & wrong.

Body language can also be practiced on others. When you find yourself in disagreement with others, it is useful & encouraged to a) threaten to punch them;  b) to ‘“throw them out” or have them physically removed from the environment, c) to lock them up, or other ways of controlling their body movements. Contact Adjunct Professor Putin for further specific details on these methods.

Trump's New Specific Plans

TRUMP: Good afternoon.

Today, as I promised, I will reveal my secret plan to defeat ISIS. As I stated, I know more about how to defeat ISIS than the generals do.

That is why, today, I am announcing my secret plan: I am giving the generals 30 days to determine how to defeat ISIS.

Some may ask, "If you had a secret plan to defeat ISIS, & you know more than the generals do, then why is your secret plan to give the generals 30 days to determine that plan?"

The only ones concerned about this are the press. And no one cares what the press thinks. Disgusting, horrible. Believe me.

I also am announcing several more enormous policy plans.

On the economy, I am giving the Presumptive Treasury Secretary, Ms. Nell Hughes, 30 days to entirely remove any budget deficit;

Presumptive Secretary of Labor Ms. Pierson will have 30 days to reduce unemployment to zero--zero, zip, gone--and I will immediately instruct all Federal Mints to strike gold Trump coinage, with a modest self-portrait reflective of the respect due my office, & redeemable at Trump casinos for 1.5 times their value.

Presumptive Attorney General McEneny, once she has passed the Bar, will have 30 days to eliminate all crime in America. Drugs, homicides & other brutal crimes committed only by immigrants & minorities will be completely eradicated.

At the same time, within 30 days, we will invalidate frivolous charges such as fraud, racial discrimination, and 1st Amendment violations. Finished. Done. Gone.

Finally, within 10 days all illegal immigrants will return to their homelands; the press will be coordinated into a more efficient, single publication, the People's Herald, led by Press Secretary Jeffrey Lord; hair will spring spontaneously from bald patches on scalps, & all postage stamps will feature the most gorgeous–I mean knockout, yet tasteful–images of First Lady Melania, with all royalties to accrue to our private account.

Thank you.

Trump, Bondi, and Trump University

Trump:

a) I gave financial gifts regularly to politicians;

b) The purpose was to influence these politicians to act in the way that I wanted;

c) I did this so that they would not enforce the law;

d) This was my regular practice--for decades;

e) The day after Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi announced that she would seek action against Trump University, I gave her fund $25,000;

f) She then stopped pursuing the charges;

g) I had nothing, nothing to do with this. No attempt to influence her whatsoever. You can believe me.

As always.

Duterte

Barack Obama has pulled out of a meeting with Rodrigo Duterte, president of the Philippines, after he referred to the American president as a “son of a whore” and threatened to swear at him in a meeting of Asia-Pacific leaders. 

 Obviously a Communications major at Trump University, with a concentration in Public Speaking.

Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi and Donald Trump: Five Lines

Pamela Bondi, dressed up in Spanx;

25 k equals straight in the tanks;

Fraud? Au contraire!

My docket's now bare;

See evil? Hear evil? No thanks.

Trump Debate Requirements

FROM THE DESK OF 

DONALD J. TRUMP

Memorandum of Understanding

Requirements for Debates

1) Mr. Trump will be provided with all questions, in written form, no less than 1 (one) week in advance of the debate. No changes, additions, emandations, or revisions shall be made to these questions on the evening of the debate, or Mr. Trump will be entitled to a) waive the question; or b) leave the stage.

2) All moderators will treat Mr. Trump with complete respect, as due a best-selling author, entrepreneur & statesman. This will include a) Standing when addressing a question to Mr. Trump; b) Including one statement of praise in each question reflecting Mr. Trump's success; c) Bowing after each question;

3) No debate question shall include reference to a) bankruptcies; b) Federal or State cases of racial discrimination; c) Fraud; d) Doctor's letters; e) prior statements regarding race, sex, ethnicity, weight, attractiveness, intention to deport immigrants, intention to have or not have a deportation force, knowledge of the Constitution, knowledge of Federal or State governance requirements, ex-wives, Skittles, Ukraine, Russia, self-portraits of any size or provenance, bone spurs;

4) All credentialed press will be placed in a soundproof cage in the rear of the debate location; credentials will be provided on the basis of "niceness" to Mr. Trump, as defined by Mr. Trump only, & may be revoked up to & including the entire length of each debate;

5) Mr. Trump will be provided with a podium with a) a large campaign sign reading "Trump"; b) text numbers for donations, c) the phrase "lock them all up!"; & d) a Sennheiser Extreme Vocal Experience Microphone; Clinton will be provided with a) a podium consisting of a cardboard box; b) no signage whatsoever; c) no microphone;

6) Clinton will be barred from stating any specific knowledge of foreign or domestic matters, governmental experience, or the Constitution. Mr. Trump may blow a "knowledge whistle" preventing any & all such statements.