RMS Titanic
10/9/2016
The Titanic is drifting within increasingly frozen waters; hull plates are buckling starboard, & nearly half of its watertight compartments have been opened to the sea. Passengers are concerned that the ship is sinking, as are the crew.
Nevertheless, first-time captain, and former host of the radio show "Your Rich Uncle" DONALD TRUMP is entirely sure that he "is the best captain ever" and that he is guiding the ship to "the most magnificent trip ever seen."
TRUMP, First mate KELLYANNE CONWAY, and financier of the ship, STEVE BANNON are on deck. An icy rain is falling.
CHIEF PILOT approaches TRUMP, holding map.
PILOT: Sir, if we continue on this course, we will make direct contact with the Arianne Iceberg at 01800 hours.
TRUMP: (Looking at map). No chance! We're headed for balmy shores! Bermuda, warm, tropic shores, believe me! Straight ahead!
P: You're holding the map upside down, sir.
T: That's...just to get a different perspective, an outsider, a businessman!
P: But your course is heading us straight for the iceberg, Sir.
T: I know how to pilot better than anyone! Better than the Naxy, the Army, the Air Force! Get him out of here! (Sailors forceably remove pilot).
CONWAY: I think he may be right, sir. Remember when we hit the iceberg Curiel? And you said that was because of the Mexicans?
T: (Looking at "Gentleman's" magazine centerfold): No...No...Everything looks fine to me, eh, Steve?
B looks at C helplessly.
B: It was fine when you opened up the "Sailing University" and promised that you could teach people to "sail to the Moon." I stood by you when you fired half the crew because you thought they "looked like Persians" And I even supported you when you said that the Queen had demoted you because she was "bleeding from her whereever." But this is too much!
TRUMP: Looking good! (gives a thumbs up as we hear the ship crash into the berg).
BILLY BUSH (Amidst wreckage): Great job, sir!
