In light of today's announcement by FBI Director James Comey that they have found nothing in Clinton's emails, and that the matter is resolved, Rep. Jason Chaffetz expressed distress, anxiety, and confusion over what he should now tell his 15-year old daughter.
In a high, squeaking, semi-operatic voice, Chaffetz wailed: "First I told her that the FBI was bad, so bad, because they wouldn't find anything wrong, and I just knew it was there, then he said that he might, although he really didn't say that, and then, when he looked, he didn't find anything at all! Nothing! Not a thing! It's over! It's all over!" He then collapsed into a fetal position, tears streaking his "Trump Train" button that he had only just applied.
"She knew that Hillary hadn't really done anything at all, that this was just a pathetic, manufactured political ruse to attempt to distract from Trump's hundreds of violations of law, decency, and humanity, so maybe that will help" said Chaffetz, wiping tears from his cheeks, and sniffling.
Rudolph Giuliani then rushed into the hallway and, frantically raising an arm like a panic-disorder stricken Dracula, dragged Chaffetz into a nearby cloakroom as he waived the press away.
