The Impulsively Unreflective Duo In..."McCain Goes Negative!"

The Impulsively Unreflective Duo In..."McCain Goes Negative!"

In our last episode, we saw the indomitable, impulsive duo suspend the campaign to take on the Crisis on Wall Street! Now, watch, as, in our next episode...McCain Goes Negative!

McCain paces the floor in the Fortress of Irritability. He is cracking walnuts.

A walnut slips to the floor.

McCain: Damn nutcracker!

Sarah Palin is sitting in a chair at a desk. She is writing on a piece of paper: "J.M + S.P." This is then crossed out and replaced by "S.P. + J.M.". These alternating versions, the one before it always crossed out, continue down the page.

McCain: Well, the first plan didn't work. We tried to put them in a trance with the folksy ray, but they had their deflectors halfway raised. If only you hadn't called the commander in Afghanistan "McClellan"

Palin: But...didn't you say they were fighting a civil war, Sir?

McCain looks at Palin silently. He is smiling but he is holding back anger.

McCain: I think the time has come. We have to call in...Dr. Negative.

He pushes a large black button, which is the only button, on a red phone on his desk.

Dr. Negative immediately bursts through the door. He is carrying flyers, masking tape; telephone wires are wrapped around his arms hanging in every way; a tattered copy of the book "Accusations of Fascism, Communism, Terrorism, Drug Use, Pedophilia, Islamism, Adultery, Pandeism, Cannibalism, Cubism, Miscegenation, and Spousal Abuse...for Dummies!" is rolled and stuffed in his left pocket, filled with bookmarks; he is dragging a Robocaller behind him, leashed to a chain.

Dr. Negative (quickly, eagerly): Did you hear? Obama was born in Bin Laden's subterranean bomb making factory, outside of U.S. lines. He was born on a pile of cocaine and dynamite--and the midwife was a Trotskyite!

McCain: Not yet, Dr. Negative. I want you to meet Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, we've already met.

Dr. Negative: That trooper went down! He poisoned the salmon milk at the Wasilla Bible School! With drugs made at a Leftist Satan worshiping collective! That you could see from Russia!

Sarah: You betcha'!

Sarah and Dr. Negative give each other a high five. Dr. Negative's telephone wires rattle on his arm as he does so, triggering the Robocaller, which starts playing: "...illegitimate babies made in test tube factories in North Korea and sent to Chicago by Bill Ayers..."

Dr. Negative shuts off the Robocaller with an embarassed smile.

Dr. Negative: Just practicing.

There is a pause.

McCain: That's fine, Dr. Negative. That's fine. Because, now, I have a special job for you. An important one.

Dr. Negative leaps into the air with excited glee. As he does, detritus falls to the floor--buttons reading "Election Day: Remember, the 3rd Tuesday in November!"; business cards, reading "Push Polls Anonymous--We Call, They Fall" and "Mongers On Call-No Rumor Too Far Fetched"; Bandaids with purple hearts; mangled and dirty chads.

Dr. Negative: A new job! A special job! Oh, Mr. McCain! I'm ready! I'm ready!

Sarah watches from her chair, filing her nails.

McCain: Now, Dr. Negative. You have to make him seem radical...

Dr. Negative quickly pulls a can out of his right pocket, emblazoned with the word "Radical" He opens the top. Red and Black snakes fly out.

Dr. Negative: (eagerly, expectantly, hungrily) Yes...Yes...

McCain: You'll have to start rumors that are so inflammatory that they will spread like wildfire, and that will be started too late to stop them with the actual truth...

Dr. Negative pulls a gigantic grinder out of his left pocket. It is labeled "Rumor Mill". He turns the crank a few times. Hamsters, syringes, and peace symbols fly out.

Dr. Negative: Yes...Yes...

He is salivating.

McCain: They will have to be so incredible, so over-the-top, based on such tawdry and poorly sourced evidence, yet riddled with tempting minutia--bullet gauges, Google maps of supposed meetings and the like, that the right will eat them up, and start analyzing the minutia with adolescent glee.

Dr. Negative (Very calmly, matter of fact): Oh, that's easy. They'll eat anything.

Dr. Negative reaches into his back pocket, pulls out a manila envelope labeled "Minutia: So-called "Proof" for the Right". He empties it to the floor. Bullet gauge measures, outdated copies of Photoshop, paperbacks entitled "How to Use the Insane as Competent Witnesses", "The Faked Moon Landings! Roswell! And Other Believable Phenomena!" and "You TOO Can Be A Warrior--From Your Own Couch!" fall to the floor.

Sarah plucks out the "Faked Moon Landings" book. She starts reading.

McCain: We know how our girl loves to read.

Sarah stops, and begins fixing her hair in a hand mirror.

McCain: Now, Dr. Negative, there is one final task.

Dr. Negative: Yes, Mr. McCain?

McCain: It is very difficult. Very...dark.

Dr. Negative: (Leaning forward expectantly, his voice quivering with excitement): Yes, Mr. McCain, Yes?

McCain: You will have to play the card that they played against me. Do you understand?

The room becomes silent. Sarah stops looking at herself, and looks towards the center of the room where McCain and Dr. Negative are staring at each other.

Dr. Negative: You mean...(eyes widened with disbelief. His telephone wires are quietly shaking as he shivers).

McCain (nodding): Yes.

Dr. Negative slowly removes from his jacket pocket what seems to be an ordinary pack of playing cards. They are labeled "Joker" brand. He takes a penknife from his pocket, and slowly slices the covering cellophane. There is a slight and distant roar. He looks at McCain.

McCain nods.

Dr. Negative then slowly removes the red ribbon encircling the cellophane at the top of the pack. He inserts the penknife--holding it from it very farthest end--and flips open the top of the pack.

Smoke begins to pour from the top of the pack, thick, acrid smoke. It quickly fills the room, covering all that is in sight.

McCain (shouting amidst the sound of smoke rushing into the room): And remember--no fingerprints!

Next episode: The smoke is cleared.